This has been a difficult month. I was hospitalized for four and a half days after a precipitating “nervous breakdown,” I am stressed over my current living situation which I will refrain from discussing in detail, and I am trying to find a job so I can start my way to independence. However, I have a lot of fear and apprehension right now and it is interfering with my ability to write and read with the productivity I desire.
The stress of graduation brought on a strange episode of waxing and waning depression and transient psychosis which at time paralyzes me, but at others puts a mad drive in me to do things that seem go nowhere, such as buying food I don’t need or even want to eat, and making profuse lists that overwhelm me and seem too daunting to tackle. I am scared of relapsing.
I do have goals, such as looking into grad school and of course finishing my novel, which has a long way to go yet. I also have ambitions to improve my piano playing and find work where I may do really well despite the things going on in my head.
I am also weighed down by the many injustices in the world and my desire to search for answers as to why things are happening. This has frustrated those around me because to them, it is foolish to intellectualize something that shouldn’t be challenged because we will never understand it. That is not a reason for me to give up on what I feel is a God-inspired quest. Actually, I know it is. That sounds delusional to some people, but I do believe there is a God, even if I am trying to figure out who He is and why He does things. Many say that is folly or ridiculous, but I am not one to stifle curiosity just because I am told it is in vain.
Some of my favorite historical figures did not just sit and ignore the terrors in the world for the sake of staying positive and happy. They took their purposes to heart in order to reveal the issues and provide solutions, even if they were rejected or even killed for doing so. I do not believe we as humans should resist learning as much as we can about anything just because we are told by others that it is not worth it.
Certainly I am troubled and angry with the horrible things happening around us, and the preposterous things many people are saying and even advocating. But being troubled is not a reason for me to stop thinking and writing, reading, and studying.
Yet I cannot ignore the fact that I need to find a balance, because I do need to find work soon, so that I can get out on my own and support myself entirely. I need to do something with my education and hopefully sustain a way to continue that education. I have several ideas as to what I can do and I have a list of jobs to research and apply for. I think that is going pretty well.
Graduating college was terrifying and while I am dealing with symptoms of my illness, some days more than others, I am doing my absolute best to keep going, even if I feel like I am pushing a wheelbarrow through a foot of slushy mud.