I am currently struggling with immense anxiety, but I am also making great strides in my writing projects despite it. I am working in turning one of my long short stories into a novella that I would like to publish, and I am also working through a novel that I have been planning in depth for over a year now. I cannot tell you have many pages I have filled in journals about the plot, theme, purpose, and characters for the novel.
I would also like to revise a 104 page memoir I wrote for a memoir course in high school about my battle with mental illness. Some of my writing is so frightening that going back and reading it actually scares me, but I figured that the more I can reflect on it, the better I can understand myself as well as how to move through it in the future. It is especially important to grasp my reality at this point when my mind and emotional well-being are so vitreous.
There are people in the real world who encourage me to keep on going, and to say that I am thankful for the friends and family in my life for their support and inspiration is an understatement. I wouldn’t be anywhere close to where I am today without them. But there are some others who have kept me going and inspired as well. They would be my fiction characters.
It sounds a bit looney to think of novel characters as being encouraging to me and I promise it is not a bizarre delusion. They are alive in my mind and their entire existence, though created by me, has gradually taken on their own reality and courses of action, which makes my novel and short stories so interesting to write. I would say fun, but it is sometimes heartbreaking and terrifying. Just like in the real world, my characters come across many hardships and experience unimaginable horrors as often if not more than triumphs and peace.
I do not believe in revealing plot or characters online because of my fears of them being kidnapped, and I take my love for them seriously. But I can say that I am excited to share them with the real world when their worlds have come to fruition. I hope they can offer something more than just my own personal admiration. Of course there are some repulsive characters whom I hate with a passion, but those people exist in any dimension.
On another note I have something else to write about that excites me. This week my mom asked me to come to her work and look at some clothes, since they were having a huge sale during which she was going to be able to get new outfits for me at ridiculously low prices. I am pleased to say that I have shrunk from size 3XL shirts to XL, and I can even pull of a regular Large, though I felt more comfortable in an XL since it hides my belly a little better (I still have a little bit of a gut that is slowly but surely flattening). I have even shrunk from a size 48 waist to a size 40, and have gone from XXL in shorts to simply XL. My healthier lifestyle has many advantages, one being new additions to my wardrobe that will do well to boost my confidence.
I haven’t been drawing as much as I would like, and I am still working my way through my books. I am currently reading the eleventh book of The Wheel of Time series, which has to be my favorite saga so far. Those books have taught me an enormous amount about world building and character development, not to mention a broader vocabulary. I love reading books that teach me new words and new configurations of sentence structure.
As I write this, my arms and legs are sore from working out yesterday (which was Wednesday so by the time I post this I will be sore from working out today which with Thursday). On my War of the Brain blog I am writing about my current mental state, which is quite distressed right now, but I also have some good things going on in the midst of the trials.
Writing about my gradual progress has already made me feel better and increased my productivity by a mile. Yes, the anxiety is exhausting and sometimes I am overwhelmed with the fear of going crazy, but I have to maintain my faith that things will get better, especially as I make more and more progress on my writing projects. I am continuing my job search and I still play the piano for the church, which I enjoy very much. I am looking forward to making more money in a job to not only support myself and my endeavors, but also to gain new experiences.
As far as music, I have listened to nothing but Mozart for the past five days, reinforcing my love for his music. I have had a connection with Wolfgang Amadeus since I was eleven years old (thirteen years now!) and he has been a vital role in my creativity. Right now his 21st piano concerto is playing on my phone. Mozart is an example of a troubled soul who made a historical name for himself. He was brilliant, despite being mad as a hatter. I was always impressed by his powers as a musician and his genius as a human being. He inspired me to want to be a composer myself, opening my eyes to new possibilities, in the same way that my writing has been opened by writers such as Tolkein, Dostoevsky, Stephen King, J.K. Rowling, Ayn Rand, Suzanne Collins, and Chekov. There are many others, but those are the ones who immediately come to mind.
For now I am going to make some coffee, write some more, exercise a bit, and later apply to a few more jobs in hopes that I can find something that I can do well in. I cannot wait to post to my blogs in the morning so you can read it, even if that is just one or two people. I want to thank those of you who read my blog posts. It means a lot to me.