Every time I think I have the perfect idea, a better one comes along and I never get around to finishing the last project, which is why it has been taking me so long to get my website up. I have decided that the day I finally begin posting and sharing will be soon, but a surprise because the truth is, I’m one of the most indecisive people on the planet.
Part of the problem is that I am a perfectionist, which is why it also takes me forever to finish stories and novels because I am always changing and improving them; adding characters, enhancing and expanding the plot, pushing the boundaries of the themes to more daring and unconventional limits, etc. This really frustrates me and makes me fear that whenever I do publish something, I am going to hate it and want to retract it so I can make it better and then republish it. I’m certain that is not how it works, though.
I guess I could continue writing improvements, but that would probably piss off readers.
As far as this website, I was unsure of what exactly to do, but I knew it needed to be something that I could stick with, which you all know from the way this blog has gone that I cannot stick with anything.
I am not focused, nor am I organized. My mind just goes with the flow of “thought traffic” and I think that is going to be my biggest challenge as a writer. I am still expanding upon the ideas I came up with and wrote down six years ago! But, I guess writers sometimes take a long time to be happy with their work.
As far as my novels go, I guess I am going to have to write several at a time because I cannot stand to wait until I have just one that I can publish. That is okay since I usually read several at a time anyway.
My website is a whole other matter. I have been in a low mood this week and therefore I decided I would go to bed early tonight (I mean, 7 o’clock is pretty early for me especially). But I suddenly had an epiphany and maybe the niche I need.
I am not going to talk about the ideas here. I think that talking about ideas before they are fully formed is a good way to lose the motivation to actually do it. Therefore, I will work in silence. But I did want to discuss the problems I have had with this.
Honestly, I have no idea who has been keeping up with me, or who actually wants to know what I have planned or wants to read it, but for those who do, I apologize that it has taken so long. I am a notorious procrastinator, despite writing excessively in my journals and scribbling essays in my notebooks. I write a lot, just not where anyone is reading it. And that is the problem. None of it is ready and I never feel that it is.
Sometimes we have to just jump into the deep end and either sink or swim, but that is not in my nature (despite the fact, ironically, that that is actually how I learned to swim, by closing my eyes and jumping into the deep end of the pool). I would put it this way – in an arena where people are judging whether or not to take me seriously, it is not in my nature to simply go in without an exhaustively calculated plan.
Yes, that’s it. I am an “over-planner” when it comes to writing. I struggle with confidence, which leads to my self-defeating assumption that my ideas suck, which leads to reworking all the problems for months, which leads to a new idea, which repeats the cycle again until it has been a year since I started and I have gotten nowhere.
The issues I have with procrastination and uncertainty, along with manically evolving ideas, are altogether in this mess of not being able to get started, and the reasons why I still have not put up my website.
Give me a little while longer and if I haven’t posted it yet, then I will update here and let you know. You have no idea how maddening this is for me! I wish I could just have the focus I need in order to stay on topic, but my mind doesn’t, and never has worked like that. It’s always twenty ideas plowing at full steam ahead.
Anyway, from my perspective, it is frustrating. But I guess there is no rush in making sure my ideas and my writing are what I am happy with. But that’s the thing isn’t it? Writers are rarely satisfied with their own writing. They just have to stop at some point and say, “Okay, it is good enough for others to read, but never good enough to meet my own standards.”
And I need to stop putting myself down. Nobody wants to listen to someone who constantly castigates themselves into a puddle of gloom.